- What purpose does a funeral serve?
It is the customary way to recognize death and its finality. Funerals are recognized rituals for the living to show respect for the dead and to help survivors begin the grief process.
- What do funeral directors do?
Funeral directors are caregivers and administrators. They make the arrangements for transportation of the body, complete all necessary paperwork, and implement the choices made by the family regarding the funeral and final disposition of the body.
Funeral directors are listeners, advisors and supporters. They have experience assisting the bereaved in coping with death. Funeral directors are trained to answer questions about grief, recognize when a person is having difficulty coping, and recommend sources of professional help. Funeral directors also link survivors with support groups at the funeral home or in the community.
- Why have a public viewing?
Viewing is part of many cultural and ethnic traditions. Many grief specialists believe that viewing aids the grief process by helping the bereaved recognize the reality of death. Viewing is encouraged for children, as long as the process is explained and the activity voluntary.
- What is the purpose of embalming?
Embalming sanitizes and preserves the body, retards the decomposition process, and enhances the appearance of a body disfigured by traumatic death or illness. Embalming makes it possible to lengthen the time between death and the final disposition, thus allowing family members time to arrange and participate in the type of service most comforting to them.
- Does a dead body have to be embalmed, according to law?
No. Most states, however, require embalming when death was caused by a reportable contagious disease or when remains are to be transported from one state to another by common carrier or if final disposition is not to be made within a prescribed number of hours.
- Is cremation a substitute for a funeral?
No. Cremation is an alternative to earth burial or entombment for the body's final disposition and often follows a traditional funeral service. In fact, according to FTC figures for 1987, direct cremation occurred in only 3% of deaths.
- What should I do if the death occurs in the middle of the night or on the weekend?
Most Funeral Directors are available 24 hours a day, seven days a week.
- Will someone come right away?
If you request immediate assistance, yes. If the family wishes to spend a short time with the deceased to say good bye, it's acceptable. They will come when your time is right.
- If a loved one dies out of state , can the local Funeral Home still help?
Yes, they can assist you with out-of-state arrangements, either to transfer the remains to another state or from another state.
- So, I've decided on cremation. Can I still have a funeral or a viewing?
Yes, quite often some sort of viewing precedes the actual cremation. Your Funeral Home can assist you with the necessary information for a funeral with a cremation following or a memorial service.
Military Funeral Honors Frequently Asked Questions
Information on Military Honors, Department of Veterans Affairs (VA) benefits, and
answers to frequently asked questions are at the Military Funeral Honors web site. The web site contains up-to-date information and direct links to other related web sites.
1. What is Military Funeral Honors?
basic Military Funeral Honors ceremony consists of the folding and presentation
of the United States flag to the veteran's family and the playing of
Taps. The ceremony is performed by a funeral honors detail consisting
of at least two members of the Armed Forces. At least one of the funeral
honors detail will be from the Armed Force in which the deceased veteran
served. Taps may be played by a bugler or, if a bugler is not available,
by using a quality recorded version. This basic ceremony will be provided
to every eligible veteran, when requested. Depending upon the culture
and traditions of the Military Service, additional personnel or other
elements of funeral honors may be added.
addition, local Veterans Service Organizations (VSO), who have historically
performed Military Funeral Honors, and other authorized organization
may complement the Military Funeral Honors detail. For example, the
VSOs might augment the ceremony by providing a firing party. This voluntary
assistance would be in addition to the services provided by the Military
Funeral Honors detail. If there is a VSO or authorized organization
in the area that might have an interest in assisting in the Military
Funeral Honors ceremony, and if desired by the family, the funeral director
should notify the Military Service point of contact.
2. How do I establish veteran eligibility?
preferred method is the DD Form 214, Certificate of Release or Discharge
from Active Duty. If the DD Form 214 is not available, any discharge
document showing other than dishonorable service can be used. The DD
214 may be obtained by filling out a Standard Form 180 and sending it
Records Center (NPRC)
9700 Page Blvd.
St. Louis, MO 63132
standard Form 180 may be obtained from the National Records Center or
via the Internet at:
3. Who is
eligible for a burial flag
VA establishes eligibility. Your funeral director will assist you in
obtaining a flag. More information is available at: www.cem.va.gov
4. What is a Presidential Memorial Certificate? Who is eligible to receive this certificate? How does the family obtain this certificate?
is a parchment certificate with a calligraphic inscription expressing
the nation s grateful recognition of an honorably discharged, deceased
veteran's service in the Armed Forces. The veteran's name is inscribed
and the certificate bears the signature of the President.
veterans are eligible to receive this certificate. The family may request
a Presidential Memorial Certificate either in person at any VA regional
office or by U.S. mail. Requests cannot be sent via email. There is
no form to fill out when requesting this certificate. If requesting
by mail, a return address and a copy of the veterans's discharge documents
must be enclosed. Send requests to:
Department of Veterans Affairs
National Cemetery Administration (403A)
810 Vermont Ave., NW
Washington, DC 20420
More information is available at:
5. How do I request a grave marker?
Joseph P. Reardon Funeral Home &amb; Cremation Service will assist you or if you have questions about grave
markers, family members can write to the VA at:
Memorial Programs Service (403)
Department of Veterans Affairs
810 Vermont Ave., NW
Washington, DC 20420
More information is available at:
www.cem.va.gov and here
6. To whom can I write to express comments or concerns about the Military Funeral Honors program?
Military Funeral Honors
9504 IH 35 North, Suite 320
San Antonio, TX 78233-663
A Message from Social Security
funeral director is helping the Social Security office by giving you
this information about Social Security benefits. If the deceased was
receiving benefits, you need to contact us to report the death. If
you think you may be eligible for survivors benefits, you should contact
us to apply.
How Social Security helps families
Social Security survivors benefits help ease the financial burden that follows
a worker's death. Almost all children under age 18 will get monthly
benefits if a working parent dies. Other family members may be eligible
for benefits, too. Anyone who has worked and paid Social Security
(FICA) taxes has been earning Social Security benefits for his or
her family. The amount of work needed to pay survivors benefits depends
on the worker's age at the time of death. It may be as little as 1-1/2
years for a young worker. No one needs more than 10 years.
Who can get survivors benefits?
is a list of family members who usually can get benefits:
and widowers age 60 or older.
and widowers at any age if caring for the deceased s children
who are under age 16 or disabled.
wives and husbands age 60 or older, if married to the deceased
10 years or more.
Widowers, Divorced wives and divorced husbands age 50 or older,
if they are disabled.
up to age 18.
age 18-19, if the attend elementary or high school full time.
over age 18, if they become disabled before age 22.
deceased worker s parents age 62 or older,if they were being supported
by the worker.
A special one-time payment
addition to the monthly benefits for family members, a one-time payment
of $255 can be paid to a spouse who was living with the worker at
the time of death. If there is none, it can be paid to:
A spouse who is eligible for benefits.
A child or children eligible for benefits.
This payment cannot be made if there is no eligible spouse or child.
How to apply for benefits
can apply for benefits by telephone or by going to any Social Security
may need some of the documents shown on the list below. But don t
delay your application because you don t have all the information.
If you don t have a document you need, Social Security can help you
Your Social Security number and the deceased worker s Social Security number.
A death certificate. (Generally, the funeral director provides a statement that can be used for this purpose.
Proof of the deceased worker s earnings for last year (W-2 forms or self-employment tax return).
Your birth certificate.
A marriage certificate, if you are applying for benefits as a widow, widower, divorced wife, or divorced husband.
A divorce decree, if you are applying for benefits as a divorced wife or husband.
Childrens birth certificates and Social Security numbers, if applying for children s benefits.
Your checking or savings account information, if you want direct deposit of your benefits.
You will need to submit original documents or copies certified by the issuing office.
can mail or bring them to the office. Social Security will make photocopies
and return your documents.
Supplemental Security Income (SSI)
you are 65 or older, disabled, or blind, ask the Social Security representative
about supplemental security Income (SSI) checks for people with limited
income and resources. If you receive SSI, you may also qualify for
Medicaid, food stamps, and other social services.
For More Information
more information, write or visit any Social Security office, or phone
the toll-free number, 1-800-772-1213. You can speak to a representative
weekdays 7 a.m. to 7 p.m.
the deceased was receiving Social Security benefits, any checks which
arrive after death will need to be returned to the Social Security
office. If Social Security checks were being directly deposited into
a bank account, the bank needs to be notified of the death, too.
If you are someone who has to plan a funeral due to the loss of a loved one, or perhaps you are attending a service for a family member or friend, here are some explanations of terms and situations you may find yourself having to address.
The funeral is a ceremony of proven worth and value for those who mourn. It provides an opportunity for the survivors and others who share in the loss to express their love, respect, grief and appreciation for a life that has been lived. It permits facing openly and realistically the crisis the death presents. Through the funeral the bereaved take that first step toward emotional adjustment to their loss. This information has been prepared as a convenient reference for modern funeral practices and customs.
The Funeral Service
The type of service conducted for the deceased is specified by the family. Funeral directors are trained to assist families in arranging whatever type of service they desire. The service, held either at a place of worship or at the funeral home with the deceased present, varies in ritual according to denomination. The presence of friends at this time is an acknowledgement of friendship and support. It is helpful to friends and the community to have an obituary notice published announcing the death and type of service to be held.
This service is by invitation only and may be held at a place of worship, a funeral home or a family home. Usually, selected relatives and a few close friends attend the funeral service. Often public visitation is held, condolences are sent, and the body is viewed.
A memorial service is a service without the body present and can vary in ceremony and procedures according to the community and religious affiliations. Some families prefer public visitations followed by a private or graveside service with a memorial service later at the church or funeral home.
Friends, relatives, church members or business associates may be asked to serve as pallbearers. The funeral director will secure pallbearers if requested to do so by the family.
When the deceased has been active in political, business, church or civic circles, it may be appropriate for the family to request close associates of the deceased to serve as honorary pallbearers. They do not actively carry the casket.
A eulogy may be given by a member of the family, clergy, a close personal friend or a business associate of the deceased. The eulogy is not to be lengthy, but should offer praise and commendation and reflect the life of the person who has died.
Wearing colorful clothing is no longer inappropriate for relatives and friends. Persons attending a funeral should be dressed in good taste so as to show dignity and respect for the family and the occasion.
Funeral Procession / Cortege
When the funeral ceremony and the burial are both held within the local area, friends and relatives may accompany the family to the cemetery. The procession is formed at the funeral home or place of worship. The funeral director can advise you of the traffic regulations and procedures to follow while driving in a funeral procession.
The time of death is a very confusing time for family members. No matter what your means of expressing your sympathy, it is important to clearly identify yourself to the family.
Sending a floral tribute is a very appropriate way of expressing sympathy to the family of the deceased. Flowers express a feeling of life and beauty and offer much comfort to the family. A floral tribute can either be sent to the funeral home or the residence. If sent to the residence, usually a planter or a small vase of flowers indicating a person's continued sympathy for the family is suggested. The florist places an identification card on the floral tribute. At the funeral home the cards are removed from the floral tributes and given to the family so they may acknowledge the tributes sent.
Mass cards can be sent either by Catholic or non-Catholic friends. The offering of prayers is a valued expression of sympathy to a Catholic family. A card indicating that a Mass for the deceased has been arranged may be obtained from any Catholic parish. In some areas it is possible to obtain Mass cards at the funeral home. The Mass offering card or envelope is given to the family as an indication of understanding, faith and compassion. Make sure that your name and address is legible and that you list your postal code. This will make it easier for the family to acknowledge your gift.
A memorial contribution, to a specific cause or charity, can be appreciated as flowers. A large number of memorial funds are available, however the family may have expressed a preference. Memorial donations provide financial support for various projects. If recognized as a charitable institution, some gifts may be deductible for tax purposes. Your funeral director is familiar with them and can explain each option, as well as furnish the donor with "In Memoriam" cards, which are given to the family.
Sending a card of sympathy, even if you are only an acquaintance, is appropriate. It means so much to the family members to know they are in good thoughts. The card should be in good taste and in keeping with your relationship to the family of the deceased.
A personal note of sympathy is very meaningful. Express yourself openly and sincerely. An expression such as "I'm sorry to learn of your personal loss" is welcomed by the family and can be kept with other messages.
Speaking to a family member gives you an opportunity to offer your services and make them feel you really care. If they wish to discuss their recent loss, don't hesitate to talk to the person about the deceased. Be a good listener. Sending a telegram expressing your sympathy is also appropriate.
Your presence at the visitation demonstrates that although someone has died, friends still remain. Your presence is an eloquent statement that you care.
Visitation provides a time and place for friends to offer their expression of sorrow and sympathy, rather than awkwardly approaching the subject at the office, supermarket or social activities. The obituary/death notice will designate the hours of visitation when the family will be present and will also designate the times when special services such as lodge services or prayer services may be held. Persons may call at the funeral home at any time during suggested hours of the day or evening to pay respects, even though the family is not present. Friends and relatives are requested to sign the register book. A person's full name should be listed e.g. "Mrs. John Doe". If the person is a business associate, it is proper to list their affiliation as the family may not be familiar with their relationship to the deceased.
Friends should use their own judgement on how long they should remain at the funeral home or place of visitation. If they feel their presence is needed, they should offer to stay.
When the funeral service is over, the survivors often feel very alone in dealing with their feelings. It is important that they know you are still there. Keep in touch.
When a person calls at the funeral home, sympathy can be expressed by clasping hands, an embrace, or a simple statement of condolence, such as:
"My sympathy to you."
"It was good to know John."
"John was a fine person and a friend of mine. He will be missed."
"My sympathy to your mother."
The family member in return may say:"Thanks for coming."
"John talked about you often."
"I didn't realize so many people cared."
"Come see me when you can."
Encourage the bereaved to express their feelings and thoughts, but don't overwhelm them.
The family should acknowledge the flowers and messages sent by relatives and friends. When food and personal services are donated, these thoughtful acts also should be acknowledged, as should the services of the pallbearers. The funeral director may have available printed acknowledgement cards which can be used by the family. When the sender is well known to the family, a short personal note should be written on the acknowledgment card expressing appreciation for a contribution or personal service received. The note can be short, such as:
"Thank you for the beautiful roses. The arrangement was lovely."
"The food you sent was so enjoyed by our family. Your kindness is deeply appreciated."
In some communities it is a practice to insert a public thank you in the newspaper. The funeral director can assist you with this.
Children at Funerals
At a very early age, children have an awareness of and a response to death. Children should be given the option to attend visitation and the funeral service. The funeral director can advise you on how to assist children at the time of a funeral and can provide you with additional information and literature.
It is healthy to recognize death and discuss it realistically with friends and relatives. When a person dies, there is grief that needs to be shared. Expressions of sympathy and the offering of yourself to help others following the funeral are welcomed. It is important that we share our grief with one another. Your local funeral director can help family and friends locate available resources and grief recovery programs in your area.
Help a Grieving Friend
Be a listener
Grieving people often find they need to talk about what's happened and how they feel about it. You don't have to fix their grief or cheer them up, but you can share the load just by being there to listen.
It's all right to cry
There's no need to say "be brave" or "be strong." Crying helps emotions to be released so they won't get bottled up. To give permission for tears, anger or any other emotions will let your friend know you aren't uncomfortable with their grief.
Stay in touch
Remember that grief doesn't go away in a few short weeks. Even one year may not be long enough to adjust to changes in your life. So, a friend who calls in 3, 6, or 12 months time may be one of the few who still asks how things are going. Special days like birthdays or Christmas may be just the time to pick up the phone and say, "I was thinking of you today."
“A Season of Grief” Daily Emails
When a loved one or friend dies, grieving that loss can take a long time, but you are not alone. GriefShare is here with support groups, and now daily emails, that provide encouragement and reminders of the recovery process. Interested?
When A Loved One Dies
Preparing yourself for the inevitable
Grief is a normal response to any loss and affects the grieving person physically, emotionally, and spiritually often causing the person to think and act in ways different from their previous "normal" behavior.
You may have heard something to the effect of "just give it time and you will eventually feel better. Time is necessary to the healing process, but it is only one aspect of effective grieving.
In addition to taking time, grief requires intentional "work" by the bereaved in order to achieve a healthy outcome from the process. Similar to someone taking action to seek medical help to set a broken leg so that it might heal properly, the bereaved must take action to move through grief.
The intentional "work" of grief can be summarized in five basic tasks, which involve specific behaviors (things to do to help yourself work through grief). These five basic tasks facing a bereaved person are:
- Recognize and accept that your loved one has died and is unable to return.
- Although this task may sound obvious, many bereaved have a difficult time accepting the reality of a loved one’s death and facing the harsh fact that the person is not coming back.
- Experience all the emotions associated with the death of your loved one.
- Rather than attempting to suppress emotions only to have them come to expression later in more detrimental ways, a bereaved person achieves a healthier state more quickly by giving full expression to all the emotions they are experiencing (as long as they do not express themselves in destructive ways).
- Identify, summarize, and find a place to store memories of the deceased person which will honor the memories of that person and make room for the bereaved to eventually move on to a new volume in their life. Resolution of grief never means forgetting the loved one. Memories are precious possessions, but appropriate memories do not control our emotions on a daily basis. We are free to live life fully again in the present and remember the deceased when we chose to.
- Identify who you are now, independent of your prior connection with the deceased person. Basically we are all individuals – that is how we were born and that is how we die. In order to truly live a full and complete life, especially following the death of a loved one, we must once again (re)discover who we are individually and independent of the relationship we had with the deceased.
- Reinvest in life as an individual without the deceased person. We must learn to accept that all of life is marked by change. Each day calls for a new form of investment. A bereaved person has experienced a deep trauma, but eventually this can be seen as an opportunity to "begin again" in a new and fresh way.
The grieving process usually takes at least one year in order to experience all the "firsts". The grief process may take as long as two or three years, but the intensity of the emotional pain should decrease during that period of time. It is important not to make important decisions too quickly because you will feel differently about things as you move through the grief process.
A sudden or unexpected death may cause significant initial shock or numbness and may also lengthen the grieving process.
Knowing in some way that a person is going to die (anticipating the death) does not reduce the intensity of the grief or pain. Anticipating the death may help motivate you to engage in some planning (e.g., concerning financial, funeral, and relationships matters) which might make the grief process less cumbersome.
The grieving process is also affected by many other factors, including the personalities of the people involved, the type of relationship someone had with the deceased, and the present circumstances of one s life (e.g., age, family structures, finances, health, employment, children, etc.).
A person can "resolve" their grief and move again into a happy, healthy and satisfying life. "Resolution" means that the emotional pain of the death no longer controls your day to day activities and that you are once again able to develop a perspective on your life which is positive and future-oriented. Moments may arise which trigger a temporary emotional response to the death in the same way that emotions are associated with other past events in our lives, but resolved grief means that you have been able to (re)construct a new "normal" lifestyle which is fulfilling and purposeful without holding on to the deceased person.
©Susan J. Zonnebelt-Smeenge and Robert C. DeVries, 2000. Authors
of Getting to the Other Side of Grief: Overcoming the Loss of a
Spouse (Grand Rapids: Baker Book House Company, 1998) ISBN: 0-8010-5821-X